I have never had any goals in my entire life. I have never had anything I truly dreamed to become when I grew up. For me, life just sort of “was”. The closest thing to a goal would be doing my best in school and get good grades.
When I entered high school I joined the social science programme (and later chose the economic orientation) because it is an education which unlocks many options for later studies on university level. The only reason I chose it was because I did not want to study something more specialized to later find out it was not my thing. Besides, if you do not have proper and broad high school education you will not be able to study on university level anyway.
As I studied I thought of what I wanted to do with my life and what I wanted to become. I was somewhat interested in trying out computer programming since I like fiddling with stuff, but it was not something I burned for. In addition, my talents (such as logical thinking, writing and finding faults) are rather useless and not helpful when it comes to deciding my future. It is not like I am awesome in football and have the ability to pursue a career in that area.
When I reached my third and final year in high school I was starting to become more desperate. Graduating high school results in many things as you probably know. It is the time where you gradually become more independent.
A whole new world of opportunities opens up before your very eyes.
There are endless choices and only you can make them.
The day I graduated high school was not filled with as much joy and feeling of freedom as others. While I was obviously very happy I had graduated (with top-notch grades at that!), I could not stop thinking of my future.
Before that very day I had followed a straight path with my whole life laid out in front of me. While there were choices, none of them could affect my entire life. It was simply going from A to B to C (aka going through school). A safe zone.
But now there were too many choices to make.
All while I had no clue about what path I wanted to tread.
Enter today. As of now I have only studied Japanese on university level, but in the coming weeks I will be trying out computer programming and journalism to see if anything appeals to me. Most likely I will have to drop out of the latter, since it seems too demanding to study while having other courses at the same time. This means I will have to wait until fall in case computer programming turns out to suck, thus delaying my “real” university studies even longer.
This is why the seemingly automatized life in Psycho-Pass is so attractive to me. There is no risk of stressing yourself to death by not knowing what you want to become. No, instead there is a system which decides the job most suited for you personally. In a sense, it is like extending the safe zone. You go from A to B to C and now also to D.
It is life on a silver platter.
At the moment this is something I would do almost anything to have, even if it were only the tiniest bit. Just so I would know what I want to do or at least be good at. Because right now my entire life is in a sort of status quo where I only test different university courses in hope of finding anything fun. The more I think of it the more painful it becomes, especially when I think of myself moving out. I do not want to do it unless I know what I want become, but what if I never come up with anything?
I overthink stuff.
I overanalyze things.
I make a mountain out of a molehill.
But it is hard not to since this is a really important part of my life.
For this reason I cannot help but wish for that particular part of Psycho-Pass to be real.